Postal Letter

Is this an OKay first part of Chapter one of my new story?

This is only the start of Chapter one... The mid-December breeze bit at my exposed fingers as I stepped out of the alley. I shivered and drew my coat around me. The empty streets echoed my heavy footfall as I walked through the barren neighbourhood. The stillness and the tense atmosphere made me uneasy and the bone chilling wind swept the hair of my face and the leafless tree’s created strange shadows on the floor. Although the roads and streets were completely deserted I couldn’t shake off the feeling someone was watching me. I shook my head. This was the sort of thing I would have been afraid of when I was eleven – not sixteen. The bag carrying my food was starting to get heavy in my hand, A sudden craving for cheese and chive pretzels and coca cola at half past nine at night, probably wasn’t the best time to take a trip down to Tesco’s. I was about to shift my shopping bag from my left hand to the right, when I noticed A black van parked across the road – a little way up the hill. A shiver ran down my spine as I took in the tinted windows and shiny black surface. I couldn’t seem to draw my eyes away from its unsettling perfection and glossy exterior. The one thing I couldn’t help but notice was how every part of it screamed danger. I hadn’t realised I had stopped walking until my shopping bag split on the floor. “Ah shit.” I moaned, dragging my gaze away from the van. Another blast of ice cold air ripped the now useless shopping bag from my hands. I picked up my twelve pack cans of coke and mega bag of pretzels and struggled upright, my eyes instantly combing the surroundings and felt a flash of relief as my eyes found the van again. The relief was replaced with anxiety almost straight away. What the hell was a black van doing parked at the end of the road at ten ‘o’ clock at night? It was an extremely cliché and classic example of a story of someone going missing. I was probably worrying over nothing and when I found out it was a fed-ex or Wincanton delivery service vehicle, I was going to feel like a complete idiot. I convinced myself the whole way up the hill it was probably just a delivery van or even just a black van that belonged to one of the residents in the distant houses. It wasn’t illegal to own a black van; it was just a black van. As I drew level with it though, my weariness increased and I gave it an as wide berth as possible, my breathing increased and my heart slammed against my ribs as I passed the tinted window… I jumped at my own reflection and then realised I was the pale thing staring back and let out a nervous hysterical giggle to try and shroud my fear. As I passed the back-end of the van, my chest loosened and I could start breathing again. I cursed myself for being such a stupid idiot and rejoiced in the waves or relief that washed through me. Until the engine started… I'm nearly 15. I'm A - A* My Punctuation is letting me down apparently - I get so into the coursework - i forget to check it before I hand it in... Ooopsie :L

Public Comments

1. Too descriptive. I was waiting for something interesting to happen. Also just saying, for example 'every part of it screamed danger' is doing too much for us. You need to be much more subtle and make us think that from your hints. Full descriptions are boring. You shifted your shpping bag from your left hand to your right? You sure it wasn't from your right to your left?
2. Its good, but as the person said a little too descriptive, depending on how long the book is this is a very short chapter. Keep going, hopefully you'll get a little more into it.
3. hmm good description maybe some more action but then again if you look at a book like harry potter it sort of starts of like that ..maybe a little less description ..still good though =)
4. that is soo goooood! how old are u ? EDIT: WTF!!! 15 ????? WOW! lol, what gcse grade are u for english ???
5. For a first try it's very good. I would suggest you review the idea of the first person narrative. Are you planning a long novel ie70k words or more? If so you would need to keep up some suspense, which sounds easy on paper. The problem is firstly change the opening sentence to one that grabs the reader better. The fifth paragraph would be a better opener in my opinion. ‘I hadn’t realised/ until the bag split etc. This immediately begs the reader to ask the question, what bag where ere you walking from and where are you heading. Especially as the next sentence has the reader wondering what van. Then start to fill in one or two gaps, but use slightly less description. If you like (and just as importantly want description) look at how you use it. Your sentence ‘I picked up my twelve pack cans of coke and mega bag of pretzels and struggled upright,’ My take on that would be ‘I picked up my Coke, it was a twelve can pack, and the Pretzels, the Mega bag size, as I struggled upright think big flashed through my mind.’ I think that works, but also puts across an idea that hopefully attracts the reader. Whatever you write try to keep the reader interested. It’s corny but the Raymond Chandler quip that, when his stories started to flag he would ‘Have a door open and a man walk in with a gun.’ Still holds true. I don’t think he meant it literally, but get something to happen. If your story is less 30k words then 1st person can be kept up. There is nothing to stop you doing a bit of both 1st and 3rd but 1st person all the way through can be really hard.