Postal Letter

How can I improve my writing?

What should I change to make this better? Thanks! Midsummer hit the street like a deathblow. Once verdant lawns, starved by the sun, became cemeteries to yellow ghosts. Dusty minivans sat decommissioned in driveways because mothers refused to leave the controlled comfort of their homes. All outdoor activities on Orchid drive came to a halt, forcing residents to find something to do indoors. A truck, covered in dried mud, pulled up in front of one of the houses. A man sat inside, he was on the unfortunate side of fifty and balding.. Both his clothing and the interior of the truck was covered in dust and caulk. He stared at the house and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. Next to the front door lay a mailbag on its side. Letters were scattered around it, indicating it had been dropped there in haste. It was just after noon and the curtains were closed. The man got out of the truck and slammed the door, watching for any movement inside. He saw a figure move behind one of the upstairs windows. A pair of anxious eyes peered out from between the curtains then upon seeing him quickly withdrew. Moments later he heard heavy footsteps running down the stairs, it sounded like a drum roll one would hear at a circus or before a hanging. A woman opened the door, her lips twitched unsure if they wanted to smile or to scream. “What are you doing home?” she asked. “It was too hot so Bill let us leave early.” “Oh, that’s nice,” the woman muttered. She wore a red, silken robe, it looked pasted on her body, revealing every nervous breathe and trembling movement. The man eyed her suspiciously and she looked away. “Did we get any deliveries today?” he said, nodding towards the fallen mailbag. “Oh, no. Cherri, I mean the mail woman, had to use the bathroom. She must of left it here.” Momentary contentment passed her face, she opened the door wider and let her hand slide down the edge of the door, pleased with herself and relieved. Just then a finger tapped her shoulder, she moved to the side and a woman in a postal uniform came out from behind her. She was large but not fat, and her face, build, and short hair gave her the appearance of a man. She seemed unconcerned about her looks, she wore no makeup or jewelry and unlike the neat, pressed look of most postal employees, her clothing was wrinkled and her shirt unevenly tucked in her shorts.

Public Comments

1. You could start by putting spaces between your paragraphs so your writing doesn't give readers an instant headache when they look at it.
2. That is REALLY good, good elaboration
3. personally, i think ur writing is fine. maybe u could change some of ur was' to were's.
4. Tim sir, I have aspirations of authorship myself, and I recognize compelling literature, and that, in my NEthing but humble opinion, is precisely what flows from your fingrtipz!~ Timothy :o)
5. I like it. You convey very well the emotional distance between the husband and wife and the suggestion of a lesbian affair is good. The only fault is that the imagery is a tiny bit extravagant, and the driver wouldn't be covered with caulk. Caulk is used to seal cracks in tile and it's more likely that he was covered with chalk, but that too would be odd and might merit the mention of a job at a quarry or something.
6. Very good beginning. Highly readable.
7. AMAZING! I have never read anything like it. I want to know so bad about those people! like who is the woman in the door and is thier a relationship between the man and that woman? I want soo much to learn more! you should keep going. and theres nothing you need to do to improve!
8. Ok - lots of uses of the indefinite article (a) adds suspense and mystery. However you need to 'word paint' rather than onstantly 'tell' your readers what is happenig.
9. I think its pretty good. You need to work on your punctuation a bit and change some of the words to ones that would fit better.
10. I agree - it's good writing and an interesting introduction. The one thing I would say you could improve is sentence structure and variety. You tend to use a lot of sentences about the same length, as shown below: "A truck, covered in dried mud, pulled up in front of one of the houses. A man sat inside, he was on the unfortunate side of fifty and balding.. Both his clothing and the interior of the truck was covered in dust and caulk. He stared at the house and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. Next to the front door lay a mailbag on its side. Letters were scattered around it, indicating it had been dropped there in haste." I'm often guilty of this too so I'm quick to recognise it! More variety in your sentences will give the writing better rhythm, and you can use it to your advantage to speed things up or slow them down, and to create tension or suspense. Your spelling and grammar could do with a little work too. For example "She must of left it here" should be "She must HAVE left it here", and you mean breath (the noun) not breathe (the verb). In places you splice two independent clauses together with a comma, which doesn't read very well. They'd be better separated with a semicolon or a fullstop/period, or even joined together with another word (a conjunction). For example, "She wore a red, silken robe, it looked pasted on her body..." should be either: "She wore a red, silken robe. It looked pasted on her body..." or "She wore a red, silken robe; it looked pasted on her body..." or "She wore a red, silken robe that looked pasted on her body..." Grammar's pretty complicated if it doesn't come naturally to you, but you can learn a lot from reading published work, or buy a book that explains it all. Hope that helps. As I said; it's generally very good, but you asked for improvements so there you go! Good luck with your writing!
11. Well, it's a long piece but here are a few things. I can tell you are serious about your writing, your spelling is good. Your writing is good too. You have some very nice images there, just bring them into sharper focus. Just a few quick tips here: "like a"- too passive. Try to keep "like a" down to a minimum, use "as a" instead, it's less intrusive and sounds more polished. "became"- too passive "starved by the sun" ? starved of what? try parched by the sun or withered by the sun First, people who can afford to stay in air conditioned houses can afford air conditioned cars and lawn sprinklers. Your readers will know that. Or, make the neighborhood poor: For example. Once verdant lawns, now burnt offerings the color of old hay, rasped in the hot breeze, a tribute to broken sprinklers and the rising cost of city water and sewer services. Aging minivans,dusted by the chaff of dead lawns and parched earth, stood like easy bake ovens in cracked and overgrown driveways. Second: Activities on Orchid Street; Don't tell that all activities have stopped. Show it. The street lay baking in the silent heat while the unrelenting sun painted a montage of glare and sharp edges everywhere and drove even the smallest shadow into hiding. Pungent and oily, the odor of the sun softened tar hung above the street, clogging the already thick air with acrid fumes. And so on, you get the idea. You have to have a very clear picture in your head first. Very clear, very detailed. Ask yourself over and over, What is happening in this scene and how does it really look? Then like an artist you use your words as brushstrokes painting a very detailed picture for the reader and put that picture in his/her head. Just a few questions for this scene: ( then you come up with more questions) What does the truck really look like and what impression of the driver do you want the truck to give? Do you want the footsteps on the stairs to portent a circus or a hanging? Does the mail lady really want to jepardize her job for a nooner? It could be and that would show something about her character. Just a few odds and ends: Passive -"Next to the front door lay a mailbag on its side. Letters were scattered around it, indicating it had been dropped there in haste." Active-Next to the faded front door a hastily dropped mailbag lay on its side, a jumble of letters spilling across the concrete steps. Passive -"It was just after noon and the curtains were closed" Active -The drawn curtains allowed no penetration by either the noon day sun or curious eyes. Passive-"The man got out of the truck" Active- The suddenly angry man slid from the truck, slammed the door and started up the walk. Passive-"A woman opened the door, her lips twitched unsure if they wanted to smile or to scream." Active- A woman pulled the door open, lips twitching, unsure if she wanted to smile or scream, she hoarsely asked, "What are you doing home?" Passive-"She wore a red, silken robe, it looked pasted on her body, revealing every nervous breathe andtrembling " Active- A (shabby? expensive? soiled? )red silk robe clung to her (dumpy? slender? middle aged? svelte?) body, revealing every nervous breath and tremble. Good-"Momentary contentment passed her face, she opened the door wider and let her hand slide down the edge of the door, pleased with herself and relieved. Maybe better-A flicker of pleasure crossed her (attractive? pasty? puffy? pimply? exotic? freckled?) face as she shifted the door a little wider and slide her (calloused? bejeweled? swollen? gnarled?) hand along the edge of the door. After your rough draft is finished take a look at each sentence. Ask yourself, is there any action going on here? Is something doing something? If not, see if you can work some action in, change a passive word to an action verb. If yes, see if you can make the action better but be careful not to use hyperbole. For each fair sized paragraph use at least 2 and no more than 3 of the five senses, hearing, tasting, seeing, touching, smelling. Strong images come not from adjectives but from verbs. First use forceful verbs to describe then use adjectives. Verbs are power. Get a thesaurus, use it, wear it out. When you choose a word from it try to make it a word that carries the emotional undertone of the scene. It looks like you have a covert sexual scene here so I chose to use the word penetration in the sentence about the curtains. Its a bit like forshadowing what willl happen later. OK, well, you get the idea I'm sure. Remember this as if your life depended on it: "A good writer creates powerfully vivid images in the reader's mind." - John Gardner I'd wish you good luck but luck has nothing to do with it. Writing is hard work. Keep writing. I'll leave you with a quote from John Gardner-"It is the sheer act of writing, more than anything else that makes a writer."